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Former Useless Things of the Month


Why DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Pat Buchanan:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

L.A. Police Department:

Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Dr. Seuss:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx:

It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan:

What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Freud:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

New Serenity Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to KILL today because they PISSED ME OFF.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ASS that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember......

when I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to PISS ME OFF,

that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to fuck off.

AMEN

I don't know how true these are but here are some useless facts:

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

DEFINE HELL......

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

TOP TWENTY THINGS TO DO WHILE IN A DRIVE THRU

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let>>your passenger order.

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food>>through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the

employee said "May I take your order?"

12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your

food. Don't break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

To sharpen your mind...ponder the following:

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

13. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

24. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

25. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

26. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

27. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

28. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

29. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

30. And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

(courtesy of A.F.F. in St. Petersburg)

To scare your friends, have an e-mail conversation with yourself. Keep all of the original messages on one e-mail, and send it to your friends. Gauranteed they will think you are:

A) Crazy

B) Wierd

C) Both A & B

D) Bored out of your mind

E) Cool (in which case you should stop hanging out with them, because they are either A or B)

Follow these directions exactly:

Open up Microsoft Word

Type this sentence, "I'd like to impeach Bill Clinton."

Highlight the entire sentence.

Click on "Tools"

Click on "Language"

Click on "Thesaurus"

Read the result

Hard at work

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired: Because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total, the 14,800,000 people who work for the State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people sick or hurt and in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

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